king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
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My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear