All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
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do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
If you had more money you’d be happier.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.