I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
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“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money