“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
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Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Meow
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.