Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
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If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house