I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
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The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.