establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
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Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who