Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
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Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.