why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
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This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.