I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
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I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
I had to Stop for this
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.