If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
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LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.