You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
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Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
It has been 3 years since Monday.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit