Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
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my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.