2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
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[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
😜
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8