My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
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A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Strange
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.