Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
You Might Also Like
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
no
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.