i wish we could shoplift online
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Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
who wore it better?
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Y’all know who you are.
Mmmm canned fish.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…