Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
You Might Also Like
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE