Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
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Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I got bills
They’re multiplying
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.