In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
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Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
A dad and his duck
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
no
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”