Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
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[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu