I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
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Mmmm. Shoeshi
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician