[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
You Might Also Like
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Growing out my freckles.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.