Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
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For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?