Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
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The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Tuesday
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?