[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
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[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Pizza is an emotion right?
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Give a baker flours on your first date.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig