Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
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Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
happy mother’s day❤️
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.