Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
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Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.