[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
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Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk