yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
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Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
For the orator and chef in all of us
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.