Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
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it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?