yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
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Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Our lord and savoury.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Lmao the reply
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
The Joker was right
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭