My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
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The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Duck typos.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
This pepper has seen some shit
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”