My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
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[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Vodka burrito was a success
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords