an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
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I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly