Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
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*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
In Canada they just call them geese
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs