I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
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You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God