Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
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Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.