Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
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“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.