My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
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Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..