[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
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Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
any last words?
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no