Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
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If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.