Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
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Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
This is me
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?