Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
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me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
getting groceries
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten