My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
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I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Monday
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.