*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
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The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
😂😂
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*