Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
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On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
termite twitter scares me
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
what do you want!!!!!!!!
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.