My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
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Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.