Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
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[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.