Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
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Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
seems fine
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I hate when that happens.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.